Lost

Feeling lost

Walking in directions I do not know

I have no clear definition of things

I want something

But I do not know what

I want to be happy always

But do I know what ''happy'' is?

Trying to accept things as they are

But I do not know how

Thus give me the right formula

For I got none.

I didn't kill my son

I didn't kill my son
He was just a reminder of my past
A past that I had kept locked at the back of my mind
But he saw it fit to bring it all back
And now the past is a Fresh memory
As though it all happened yesterday
I tried to think of the future
Tried to convince myself that he was not to blame
Tried to convince myself that I could love him
Tried to convince myself that his father's sin wasn't his
But I couldn't deal with the trauma of seeing him each day
For he took the form of his father
A stranger I saw once
The day he took my innocence away
In a bush
As I was walking back home from school

I didn't kill my son
I was simply being a mother
A mother filled with care and love for her son
A mother who would sacrifice her joy, her happiness, her entire being for the sake of her son
For his well being came first
Such motherly Love that made me cry to see my son wail in pain
Such motherly Love that would have made me give him my life if it were possible
I just wanted his suffering to stop
I just wanted to take his pain away
I didn't know what other way to bring him peace
Other than stopping his misery as he lay in his hospital bed
It was a slow painless death
He is at peace now
And so am I that I know he isn't in pain anymore

I didn't kill my son
I was teaching him how to become a man
Because his father refused to acknowledge him as his child
Forcing me to teach him how to be tough
Forcing me to take up a responsibility I didn't know much about
But the lesson went south instead of west
He hit his head on the bark of a tree
In our little backyard
As I was teaching him to wrestle and stand up for himself in a fight
I cried out for him to wake up
To stand up like a man
And not lay down for having been punched by a lady
But he didn't wake up when I called his name
All I remember was blood
His blood
Acting like a cushion
Under his head

I didn't kill my son
I didn't mean to kill him
It was self defense
But I know he didn't mean to attack me
My son loves me
He wouldn't dare hurt me
He wasn't himself that night when he came home drank
Holding a gun in his hand
Only the heavens know where he got the gun
Or what made him drink that much that night
For he hated wines and spirits
He was a good son
The best son any mother would have loved to have
I was trying to take the gun away from his hands
I didn't want him hurting anyone or better yet himself
But it was too late
And now he is my late son
For the gun went off and there was death silence
As I watched him breath his last breath

I am a mother to a dead son
But still a mother
I cry for his return each night
I long to see him walk through the door each day
Mothers wish the best for their kids
And an early death of our kids isn't one of those best wishes we have for them
This isn't me justifying his death by my hands
But do you still think I
Killed my son?

Fragile Heart

"Be fragile with me", she says

Hold me like an egg which you are trying so hard not to break

Before you can get to make toasted bread

Hold me with the fragility of holding a new born baby

One born prematurely at the sixth month of pregnancy

A little angel striving hard to survive in this unfortunate world

Cause even the air outside it's incubator could kill it in a second

Thus care and love me like there is no tomorrow to look forward to

Let our infinity be the here and now

"Don't let me go", she pleads

Don't let me run to the arms of another

For you are what I need and not what I want

Content fully with the inner peace you have given me,

The joy of seeing you is what I look forward to everyday

And The joy of seeing the same joy in your eyes is what I strive to achieve for the rest of our days

"This fragile heart wouldn't mind getting hurt", she told me

Pain that yields greatness I shall bare

Pain of losing everything to gain much more I shall endure

For Christ did the same for us to get salvation

He bared Himself naked to the world

He carried all our crosses

Got humiliated and spat on for our sake

And got nailed on the cross with two thieves by his sides

And He did all this for you and me to be free.

I shall shout our love to the world to hear

I shall write it down on paper for it to be clear

All this to proof that I believe we can make it work

We are both fragile hearts

Just looking for love